Feeling Like a Burden, Again

Today, I experienced a “first” in my life.

My son and I were literally kicked out of my parents’ house because they thought their beloved son was craving alcohol.

I had sensed no tension in the house. I had picked up on no warning signs. And even if that was the case, I could not understand why we had to leave. He could have gone to the store, bought his beer, and drunk it upstairs on his own. Why did we have to get out immediately, especially on the very day I had been thinking that I was not spending as much time with my parents as I should?

Well, okay. Your house, your rules. I got it. If you want me and my son out, then we are out. No questions asked.

But still…

Is it normal for me to feel like a burden on my parents all over again?

Is it normal for me to keep reminding myself that they do not have to do anything for me? That they already help me with my son, and that I cannot ask for anything more for myself? That whatever they give should be enough?

Is it normal to feel this way?

Selcan

06.06.2026

Ankara

Gezi

 Gezi 13 yaşında 

Damlayamayan Damla

Damlayamadan kirpiğinde asılı kalan o damla aslında çok şey anlatıyor. İçinde tuttuğun bütün kederleri, hayal kırıklıklarını, anlaşılmamışlıklarını…

Belki de insanın bütün kaygısı, her şeye rağmen var olabilmekten ibaret. Milyarlarca yıldır var olan ve var olmaya devam edecek bir evrende, titrek adımlarla ölüme yaklaşırken birkaç yıllığına da olsa “ben de vardım” diyebilmek, ardında küçücük de olsa bir iz bırakabilmek için değil mi bütün bu çırpınışımız?

Selcan

23.05.2026
Ankara

Asıl Yalnızlık

Yalnızlık bu işte. Evde yalnız yaşamak değil, işlerini yalnız halletmek değil. Bu...

Bir şeye kaygılandığında sana sarılıp da "olsun, birlikte hallederiz" diyen kimse olmaması yalnızlık. Sırtını sıvazlayıp da "ben buradayım, yanındayım" diyen olmaması yalnızlık. Sen bir şeyi dertlenip de strese girdiğinde elinden tutup stresini paylaşan olmaması yalnızlık.

Evimin durumundan ötürü bir haftadır sürekli kaygı içindeyim. Ne yaparım, nereye giderim, nasıl alırım... O kadar çok şey dönüyor ki kafamda. Ve hepsiyle ben, yalnızca ben, ilgilenmek zorundayım. Bu belirsizlik korkutuyor beni. O korkumu ben, yalnızca ben, yaşamak zorundayım. O korkuyu paylaşamamak yalnızlık...

Hastalandığımda yalnız yatmak, sağlığımda yalnız içmek, oğlumun başka yerde kaldığı gecelerde yalnız uyumak yalnızlık...

Sarılacak kimsenin olmaması... Gününün nasıl geçtiğini merak eden kimsenin olmaması... 

Selcan

07032026

Feel like crying

Celebrations are beautiful. No matter the reason. Let’s celebrate.

But the most beautiful part of celebrating something is sharing it. Especially with your family. To have a mother and a father you could share that celebration with, and yet to have only your mother beside you… that must be so hard. Especially knowing that your father is celebrating in another home, with other children.

I know, my dear, you can’t bring yourself to believe it. You want to believe that in your father’s eyes, you are still the most precious one. I understand that. Pretending not to see it, acting as if you don’t care, feels better… but only for a moment. At night, when you lie down in bed, that urge to cry spills out of you.

On those nights when you say, “I feel like crying, but I don’t know why,” arrows pierce my heart. Your innocent, well-intentioned, incredibly precious little heart cannot understand the reason but I do, my sweet one. Having to struggle with this feeling of worthlessness at such a young age is a deep injustice to you.

You see the difference between the value I try to show you and the value you don’t receive from your other parent. You can’t make sense of it, and that makes you feel bad. I understand you so well. When you feel that lump inside you —heavy, pressing, but somehow never turning into tears— if only you knew how much my own heart aches.

My dear son.

I wish that in the new year, you come to understand the reason behind those urges to cry, and that one day you will hold accountable those who made you feel this way.

Selcan

01.01.2026