19 Nisan 2018 Perşembe

Brand New Problems

You know what, this is first time in my life that I am the mother of a 28-month-old kid. Yes, I have been the mother of a newborn, a one-year-old, a two-year-old previously at different times. But not 28-month-old so far! Everything I experience every moment, do, cannot do, do not do is brand new to me! Every new day is a brand new day with my kid that I have not experienced yet. Every success is new, every failure is new. And so, I oppose your suggestion that I always have the same problems! Everyday I have a new problem!

15 Nisan 2018 Pazar

All over the same problem

Yes I felt inadequate in my motherhood previously, which has a lot to do with you by the way. I still feel inadequate and rarely dare to express it. But you say "pofff, all over the same problem again!" I am sorry to bother you with my problems! I am such a boring inadequate person that I even can't come up with new interesting problems to tell you not to be heard...


19 Şubat 2018 Pazartesi

Good job!

I see and appreciate your careful attempts not to let me feel even slightly less unworthy. You're doing a great job!! Kick the woman's ass!!

21 Ocak 2018 Pazar

What's so big deal, you'd get a lower grade!

"I'll spend all my time with my friends, even if it costs you a lower grade."

Yeap, overall I am here to host your visitors (By the way, thanks a bunch for him for accepting to bring us a luggage). I don't have any goals to accomplish in my education here. I am studying till 3 am for nothing. I am not spending enough time with my kid, I am not sleeping enough, I am not resting or eating adequately. All I do is to study to be successful. And you say that they mean nothing to you. Indeed, I kind of understand that it doesn't have to mean anything to you. it doesn't make any difference for you whether I get A or C, except that you humiliate me when I get lower than A!

But, you know... What hurts me much more is that whenever there is someone else around, I automatically demote to the level of the least important. You make me feel that the reason I live is to serve others, no matter who are those others. We can arrange something to balance the time of my studying and your spending time with your friends (By the way, did I mention that I literally have no friends? Nobody asks me if I am still alive. Nobody cares if I feel alright or struggling with so many problems here all by myself. My phone never rings. Anyway... You are so lucky for having such a wide spectrum of friends. I am glad that at least one of us have friends so that does not starve to talk to the other one.). But you never think it this way. You do what you do always, demote me and put the others on top of your priority list. You even dare to say that no matter how much I study, you would spend time with your friends, even if it would cost lower grades to me! Why does it have to be this way?

Anyway, I learnt my helplessness in this issue (the way you treat me) and do not bother to talk to you anymore (By the way, did I mention that I have no friends to talk to about any issues?). I don't think you are aware of the huge emotions I have to keep inside, instead of talking to you. And I don't think you'd mind if you knew. This is like my dear psoriasis, I learnt to live with it. I don't need any medications because I experienced it just enough to learn that there is no cure for it. What else can I do? Life goes on whether I feel helpless or not, whether I feel stuck in my loneliness or not, whether I am at the edge of great depression or not. Who cares?

LA, 01/20/2018


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